Here’s a news flash for you – relationships can be tricky at times. OK, so you already knew that, but understanding why relationships become difficult can help you keep them healthier and more enjoyable.
Last time I wrote about Escalation, which is one of five “germs” that can infect and kill off any relationship if left untreated.
The same may be said of the second germ, Negative Interpretation. According to researchers at the University of Denver Marriage & Family Studies Department, Negative Interpretation occurs when one party does or says something that the other receives in a negative light.
As with Escalation, Negative Interpretation is likely to occur at some points in any close relationship. Face it, we’re all human, and none of us will be at our best at all times.
In healthy relationships, people keep Negative Interpretation in check and do not allow it to damage their connection. But in a struggling relationship, this germ can become a serious problem.
If you are often being accused of negative motives or hurtful intent, you will likely grow weary of defending yourself. At some point, ending the relationship may begin to seem like the easiest way to stop the accusations.
Most of us are willing to accept criticism when it is truly warranted. What we do not appreciate, however, is being wrongly accused. False accusations tend to make us defensive, and we don’t like having to defend our honor against charges we know are unfair or untrue.
Negative Interpretation is also dangerous for the accuser. If you truly believe the other person is out to hurt, disrespect or mistreat you, you may begin to question the value of staying in the relationship. Few of us want to be in a relationship in which we are being treated badly or disrespectfully, so we contemplate ending the relationship as a means of ending the perceived mistreatment.
Sometimes ending a relationship does stop the Negative Interpretation. It might not, however, improve the situation. If you will still be interacting with the other, either as co-workers, co-parents, family members, etc., the situation may grow worse rather than better. In these cases, ending the relationship just trades one set of problems for another, often worse, set of problems. In most cases, ending the relationship is neither necessary nor warranted.
The best remedy I know for Negative Interpretation is what Dr. Gary Smalley calls the “LUV talk.” The “L” stands for listen, the “U” stands for understand, and the “V” stands for validate. This is a wonderful antidote for the first four of the five germs I intend to cover, so we’ll have to wait a few weeks for the full explanation.
For now, please just be aware that Negative Interpretation need not be a relationship killer. It will be if you don’t address it, but addressing it successfully does not require a degree in Neuronuclear Physiopsychiatropy – whatever that is.
A good first step is simply to recognize Negative Interpretation early on. In the memorable words of the great philosopher Barney Fife, you can then “nip it in the bud.” You can check for accuracy in a non-threatening, non-accusing tone to see if perhaps your suspicions are valid or not. If on the receiving end, you can refuse to get defensive and honor the other’s need for clarification. If your motives are pure, you don’t really have to take offense.
A possible undercurrent of Negative Interpretation, perceived or actual, is disrespect. It follows, then, that intentional attempts to show respect should serve to improve the situation and the relationship.
No one ever said it would be easy to play nicely in the sandbox of life, but it’s a lot more fun when we reduce unnecessary conflicts and learn to understand one another better. Reducing or eliminating Negative Interpretation might just be a huge step in that direction.
Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.
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