Do you ever dream of winning the lottery and all the wonderful things you could do with the money? Trust me, you’re not alone. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you probably shouldn’t make it part of your retirement plan. The odds are definitely against you.
Do you ever dream of a life where others do exactly as you wish and you never have a disagreement because everyone always agrees with you? I believe the odds of that happening are even worse than winning the lottery.
Face it, all of us have set ideas about how life should be. And because our desires seem so reasonable to us, we somehow expect others to reach the same conclusions. If you’re comfortable in that dream, far be it from me to awaken you. But for those who realize they sometimes need to set aside their own agenda for the sake of living and working with others, I have a tool that may help.
It’s called the Win-Win Waltz. It was developed by Susan Heitler, Ph. D., of Denver, Colorado. Though originally designed for married couples, it also works for co-workers, siblings and others who find themselves in a dispute.
Here’s how it works.
Begin by listing each party’s initial position. Each person writes down how they see the dispute and what they believe would be a just and fair outcome. In other words, what do they want to happen?
Next, list the underlying concerns behind each position, the “whys” behind the wants. This is a very important step. People are often arguing over one thing when what they really want is something else entirely.
For example, divorcing parents don’t really want custody. What they want are happy, healthy, well-adjusted children and the opportunity to remain active in their lives. I know of an employee who asked for a raise, but what she truly wanted was recognition for her advanced education, experience and years of service, especially when employees with less experience were earning nearly as much as she was.
When you move beyond positions, which are often win-lose propositions, and focus instead on underlying interests, you are far more likely to reach a win-win result.
After listing several concerns for each party, you should have a better understanding of the dispute and be ready to search for lasting and fair solutions. (Please note, fair does not necessarily mean equal. Sometimes one party may come out somewhat better than the other. That need not be a problem as long as both can leave the negotiation satisfied with the outcome. The goal is win-win, not necessarily 50-50).
Each person then suggests possible solutions that address both parties’ interests and concerns. Discuss the benefits of each proposal, then try to create an entirely new idea together, and then another. Don’t settle too quickly. Sometimes the best solution appears only after the obvious ones have been considered.
The important point is that the final resolution is not simply one person’s idea winning over the other’s. It’s something they created together. I once heard it said, “It’s amazing how much can be accomplished if it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.” It’s also amazing how much can be accomplished when disputing parties decide to work with each other instead of against each other. Stephen Covey called this synergy, the idea that by combining resources and intentions, the result can be greater than either person could have produced alone.
One final caution: To reach an amicable resolution, it is nearly imperative that both parties believe a resolution is possible. If you don’t believe one is possible, you are less likely to invest the time, effort or resources needed to achieve it. I’m not about to tell you that every dispute can be resolved. I will say, however, that many conflicts can be brought to a satisfactory end with the right mindset and the right skills.
Happy dancing.
Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.